It’s springtime! Warm weather. Cool breezes. Flowers blooming. That neighbor who mows his lawn just as you sit down for dinner. You know, all the stuff we look forward to when winter packs its stuff up and decides to GTFO of here for the foreseeable future. But what we’re really looking forward to this season is simple: belly flops. Belly flops with beef jerky.
Our friends at Water World in Denver know what’s up with belly flops. In fact, each year they hold a belly flop competition that brings enthusiasts from all around to compete for a grand prize of $1,000 (you could buy a lot of meat sticks with that). That got us thinking: How do you stand out in a belly flop competition? Well, it takes a real FATTY to win a belly flop competition.
Size matters, especially in belly flop competitions, which is why we came up with the FATTY Belly Flop. It’s a high-difficulty, technical beef jerky dive that will leave the competition smoked, soaked and stunned by your beefy bravado. So, get ready, because here it comes.
Grab a couple of meat sticks, jump into your bathing suit, and put on a fearless face. Here’s how you execute the FATTY Belly Flop:
FATTY BELLY FLOP
#1 Find your FATTY meat stick
Now, some folks may ask, “Isn’t this performance-enhancing?” Well, to that, we’d counter with the question: “Is beef jerky healthy?” Yes, it’s healthy, so spicing up your routine with fat beef sticks in each hand can’t be wrong. If it is, we don’t want to be right.
With that out of the way, it’s on to step two!
#2 Taste the smoked meat goodness
A good belly flop score needs a great performance, and every great performance has a bit of showmanship. Here’s where you really have to sell the meat stick in your hands.
While making direct, intense eye-contact with the judges, lift both FATTYs up and take big, animated bites out of each meat stick. The point is to entrance the judges: No matter how bad your dive might be, they’ll be thinking “I wonder if there’s a beef jerky store near me?” So, take those bites out of each FATTY, and after swallowing the smoked meat goodness, use the board to launch yourself recklessly into the air.
#3 Show off your favorite beef jerky
As you spring off the board, arch your head and neck back, thrust your chest and stomach out and extend your arms out to display each FATTY in all their glory. Look at you, you’re flying.
If you’re lucky, the sun will make the smoked meat sticks glisten as you soar through the air, and everyone in the crowd will forever associate you with delicious gas station snacks. This is your moment. You are the gas station snacks FATTY belly flop guy.
#4 Put the ‘jerk’ in jerky
As you descend to the water, extend every bit of your body to increase your surface area. This is where the FATTYs come in handy. They’re such thick beef sticks, it’s like having two extra arms attached to your body as you smack the water.
If you’ve done all the steps correctly, water is now cascading over the crowd of onlookers. You’ve absolutely soaked everyone near the edge of the pool. Sure, you might get called a jerk for soaking a boat of chili cheese fries some kid is holding, but if he’d been snacking on low sodium beef jerky, there’d be no problem. He had it coming.
#5 With the best meat stick—you win!
You’ve proven it takes a real FATTY to win a belly flop competition. Accept your grand prize, or the admiration of the water-soaked crowd. Or both.
As the crowd chants “FATTY belly flop guy!” you gather them around—90s sitcom style—and gently lecture them on the danger of concession stand snacks. Instead, you say, they should reach for a low-sugar, high-protein smoked meat beef stick like the FATTY. Because that’s who you are now: You’re the guy who goes to water parks, competes in kid’s belly flop competitions, annihilates the competition, and then lectures them on why chili cheese fries are terrible.
As folks in the crowd nod in agreement and start searching “beef jerky near me” on their phones, you walk over to your smoked meat car, open the door made out of beef sticks, and drive off into a beefy sunset.
On to the next belly flop competition.
PRO-TIP: We’ve already noted that you can really wow the judges if you upgrade your difficulty rating with a couple of FATTY 3.0 sticks (each packed with 20 grams of protein) but if you want to really spice up your routine, we suggest using pepperoni sticks or jalapeño sticks like the FATTY Pepperoni Meat Sticks and FATTY Jalapeño Meat Sticks.
Swapping these into your belly flop routine would be like tying streamers onto your limbs while you shoot bottle rockets off mid-dive. The only real difference is that FATTYs are delicious meat snacks that you can enjoy eating after your dive—and while they’re spicy, they won’t cause third-degree burns like irresponsibly setting off bottle rockets during a belly flop dive.
Check out Sweetwood’s lineup of delectable smoked meat snacks here, or swing by the Store Locator, so you can quickly discover which grocery stores, convenience stores, gas stations and outdoor outfitters stock our snacks near you (it’s a lot easier than Googling “beef jerky near me” and sorting through the results).
Happy spring season! May your pool time be lengthy, your belly flop competitions be full of perfect 10s, and your actual belly full of delicious meat snacks.